Repenting

This has taken me over a week to post about. Because I thought I should let my unkind feelings settle down before I wrote anything.

Last week we went to deliver "stuff" to the people at our feeding clinic.

I should define stuff. 

Shoes that people I love had taken the time to buy and either ship to me or send down with others I love who carried extra bags so the shoes could get here. 

Dolls that Rachel's church friends handmade for the children. 

Hygiene kits my church friends lovingly collected, gathered, and helped me assemble. 

Vitamins a friend bought, which are not cheap, and brought down. 

Justin and I personally carried over five extra, 52 lb bags down to Haiti along with our kids and all their stuff. 

The people at Frontier Airlines were even helpful in "the deal" in letting the stuff fly free.

I had a lot of great hopes and expectations for this day.

This was my mistake. Whenever I get my hopes up or have a very specific outcome I am expecting and things don't work out as I view they should, my feelings are shattered. In the fight or flight arena I am usually a fighter. If not in words at least in feelings and I have been trying to wrestle these feelings out with God all week. I am trying to grow in this area. 

I think the bottom line for me is that I had great hopes of the people I love, who are supporting us, being able to help the people I have come to love and frankly need the support.  

But, instead this is how it went down... 

Here are 4 of the 52lb bags of "stuff"

Here are some of the amazing people that I love from my home church who literally gathered stuff to make over 200 hygiene kits (comb, toothbrush, toothpaste, washcloth and soap all in a ziplock bag). 

Here are some of the 50 some pairs of shoes that were bought or donated by my Grandpa and good friends from home. 

Here are most of the hygiene kits waiting to be handed out. 

And here is what ensued. Mobbing. Literally riotous mobbing. People shoving, pushing, taking from children, etc. Justin and I literally grabbed our children and stood out of the way with our mouths opened. 

Roselie who is a VERY good sport handing out the remainder of the dolls to little girls whose big sisters would snatch them away the minute the little ones got them.

                         CT's self portrait captures all of our feelings. What the crap is going on here?

CT's face is how we have all felt for the last week. A week of processing, pleading and repenting. 

It did not help that this week a child literally opened the back door of my car and grabbed my purse out. The fighter in me grabbed it back and scolded him. But, I wanted to go "home". Home to where children do not steal things out of my car and if they did the police would do something about it. And where parents are able to feed their children so they do not need to steal. And where I do not need to be scared that when I drove in that area again they were going to try and steal my children this time. I just wanted to go home and forget this side of the world that I have come to know. 

Justin found this scripture that helped us to remember where our hearts need to be

Mosiah 4: 16-20 (found in the Book of Mormon)

16 And also, ye yourselves will ^asuccor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the ^bbeggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish.

17 Perhaps thou shalt ^asay: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just—

 18 But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God.

 19 For behold, are we not all ^abeggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?

 20 And behold, even at this time, ye have been calling on his name, and begging for a ^aremission of your sins. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his^bSpirit upon you, and has caused that your hearts should be filled with ^cjoy, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy.

I had to once again step back and remember, I have been richly blessed in the things of this world. And maybe if I were in a situation where grabbing a pair of shoes that would sell on the street for enough money to feed my family, who was starving, I would do the same thing. Even at the expense of my neighbor.

 It reminded me of the night we had the little earthquake here. The first thought I had was there is NO way I can run through this house and save each of these children before the walls fall down!

Which ones could I grab the quickest?

 These are NOT normal thoughts in my previous culture, but these are everyday here. Only it is not just about earthquakes that are threatening to take the children but starvation and illness and other things that are too wrong to even mention. 

And here I was upset that my friends from home who gave so much were not going to get the proper thank you they deserved. Out of over 200 people, there was only one thank you. And it was not the word we were looking for just the look on their faces. Nothing, just sheer madness, sheer hurry and get what you can for you. 

So, to all of you who support us. I thank you because my belly is full everyday, I have clothes to wear and a roof over my head and medicine when I am sick. I am not choosing what child I need to put up for adoption, although some days I am tempted. I thank you for serving because you are in the place to do so. I thank you because I am in the place to thank you. 

As far as these beautiful Haitians we love, they thank you in their own way too, by being the vessel through which we can all learn about service and the true love of Christ.

Because as Johnny pointed out,"You are the only ones upset by this, all of these people are just happy they got something. This is just how we act."